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When I was 16, my parents saw self-inflicted cuts on my arms. I used the physical pain of gymnastics to numb the emotional pain. I felt a sense of mastery over my body, whereas I wasn’t able to control my same-gendered attractions. My saving grace was competitive gymnastics. Fortunately, my fear of experiencing worse pain in hell for eternity kept me from actually committing suicide. I would stand on cliffs, fantasizing about killing myself.
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I was bullied and harassed in middle school and at Los Angeles Baptist High School. In a recent video, he tells parents to “alienate, isolate, not have a meal with and give over to Satan your homosexual adult children.” John MacArthur, head pastor for more than 40 years, has always had a strong anti-gay perspective. My family attended Grace Community Church in Sun Valley.
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I was taught by my pastors, parents and peers to hate myself-and that worked. I tried repressing and denying who I was-but nothing changed inside of me. Practically living, eating and breathing the Bible didn’t work. Praying to God every night and pleading with Him to take my feelings away didn’t work. I was 9 years old when I recognized my attractions for the same gender. Supreme Court recently denied an appeal by anti-gay groups that sought to overturn the ban. I wept when I heard the news that the bill had been signed into law. In fall 2012, California became the first state to ban licensed mental health practitioners from using this practice on minors I testified in favor of the legislation. The harmful practice of sexual orientation change efforts-also known as ex-gay, reparative or sexual conversion “therapy”-involves attempts by a therapist to change the sexual orientation or gender identity of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ) clients. And so, when I was 16, I went to weekly meetings with an “ex-gay” Christian psychologist who tried to change my sexual orientation. I didn’t want to be despised by everyone around me. I didn’t want to experience the pain of eternity in hell.